Thirty Day LA

If you're not familiar with the analogy, it goes something like this (or at least, this is how I understand it). When a guy meets a girl, the guy places the girl on the relationship ladder. The bottom level of that ladder is the "stranger" level. As they get to know each other more, the girl climbs that relationship ladder, and their relationship grows. Sometimes the girl may just stay at the "stranger" level. Some could possibly reach the "friends" level. But regardless of where she decides to stop climbing, every girl has the potential to reach the upper rungs of the ladder -- the "more than friends" level and beyond. On the other hand, girls do something quite different. When a girl meets a guy, the girl places the guy on one of two ladders. At the top of one ladder is the "friends" level, and at the top of the other ladder is the "more than friends" level. If the guy gets placed on the "friends" ladder, then he may climb all he wants -- he'll never reach the "more than friends" level. His only chance is to jump from the "friends" ladder to the "more than friends" ladder. Unfortunately, a dark black abyss separates the two ladders, in which case he may very well end up in hell.

Although I’ve only known Assassin officially for nearly 3 years, I’ve known of her for about 6 years. Assassin was “one of those girls”: you’re out and about, minding your own business, and for some odd reason your radar goes off, forcing you to quickly glance at someone in your peripheral vision. Assassin seemed to make my radar go crazy every time. After awhile, she became a familiar face. However, with different interests and different groups of friends, our worlds never overlapped…

…Until we ended up going to graduate school together. I think my relentless gazes every time I passed her made me a familiar face to her, and so she introduced herself to me and we talked for a bit. Over time, we got to know each other more, but with her non-single status and the stresses of graduate school, I wasn’t about to hope to be anything more than a friend. We would talk to each other every now and then: frequent enough to maintain a familiarity, but infrequent enough to not feel bad about forgetting each other. And that was that.

I don’t quite know how it happened, but we started hanging out together more often. I can’t say who started calling whom, or what sequence of events brought us closer together, but before I knew it, we were hanging out every week.

Now, some people may misconstrue all those “hangout sessions” as dates, but as was defined in a previous entry, a date must be coupled with intent. I entered those “hangout sessions” with no intent at all. I enjoyed her company, and that was that. During those times, I never had the mindset of taking our friendship anywhere beyond that. But the inevitable is unavoidable, and my fondness for her was bound to become something more whether I wanted it to or not.

I started hanging out with her more often. I started taking her out to lunch, dinner, happy hour, etc. I would talk to her about random things at even more random times during the day. I would compliment her and I would find myself playfully and instinctively flirting with her. I would change around my schedule if it meant spending time with her. I was attentive to every detail she told me about her. The signs were all clear: I was definitely falling for her. The great thing about this whole scenario is that it all happened so naturally and honestly on my part. There were no games or anything like that. I wasn’t trying to be someone, nor was I trying to impress her or anything. It all just…happened.

Ok, enough of the back-story -- on with the date. Assassin was going to go on vacation for a week, and despite the fact that we’ve been seeing each other nearly every day, I had to see her before she left on vacation. There was a movie she wanted to see, so I offered to cook her dinner and watch the movie over at my place. I ended up not cooking and just ordered in instead, but that’s beside the point. The main point is that it was a perfect set up for a date: an intimate private place, a comfy couch, a big screen TV, a romantic comedy, and good food to go with it.

The food was good, which easily brought a smile to both our faces. The movie was funny, and we laughed together. And despite the three-person couch I had, we sat right next to each other the whole time. Put my arm around her shoulders, and we’d be cuddling…so why didn’t I put my arm around her??? Why didn’t I try to hold her hand or move in for a kiss??? Why didn’t I do anything???

I don’t know.

The night ended, and I gave her a hug goodbye. No doubt, we both had fun. True, something more could have happened, but even though it didn’t, I was reassured with the possibility that something more could happen some other time too. This obviously wasn’t going to be the last time I was going to see her, which means that I would also have other chances.

The thing about dating someone you kind of already know is that there will be mixed feelings about everything. And in this case, those mixed feelings got the better of me. Sure, I wanted to put my arm around her, or hold her hand, or just kiss her softly on the lips. But when it came down to it, something stopped me. The frustrating thing is that I don’t know what stopped me. Was it because the friendship we had was good and I didn’t want to risk it? Was it because I was scared? Was it because things were changing and I just didn’t know how to deal with it? Sadly, I can’t say for sure.

Going on a date with a friend is a tricky thing. You may like her and she may like you. But as externally apparent as that may be, there is an internal conflict brewing within the both of you. Unless the winds die down or the stars align just right, the journey you think you’re ready for will be unpredictable at every moment. Can your instincts see you through? Can her instincts see her through? Making it work requires that you both jump off the ladder simultaneously into the black abyss, hoping somehow that the winds will naturally guide you two together.

There you have it ladies and gentlemen, the end of track 2. Tracks 3 and 4 have already been produced and are currently being edited, and there’s a possibility of track 5 being mixed this upcoming week. Stay tuned!

-- Mixtape