Track 4: Jurassic 5 - Baby Please
I was studying at a cafe, sipping my iced coffee, while Rent-A-Car babbled about her current relationship woes. I nodded my head, interjected with general comments, but my mind was definitely elsewhere. "How can someone possibly talk this long about one thing," I asked myself. I began to see just how many signals I could give her to covertly let her know that I wasn't the least bit interested in what she was saying. I stopped giving her eye contact. I turned my head towards anything that would move in my peripheral vision. I even started IMing people on my laptop. Alas, nothing seemed to penetrate and she continued to babble. Then she said something that made me realize why my not-so-subtle hints of boredom were futile. "Everyone's got a unicorn," she stated so matter-of-fact-ly, "and this one is mine."
A unicorn. A mythological creature. Although it resembles elements of reality, it never exists in reality. Rather, it only exists in the mind and imagination, which potentially tricks our eyes into believing that we actually saw one.
Ah...that's why Rent-A-Car was so enamoured by her current relationship problems. She's found her unicorn, but knows that having a unicorn is completely and utterly impossible. Unicorns aren't real. They are a product of our imagination -- a fantasy that disappears in the face of reality. Such is the plague of the unicorn.
I hate to admit it, but Kryptonite was my unicorn.
Kryptonite has a lot of qualities that initially attract me (read: Kryptonite is damn cute). Cute face, short hair, and "sunshine" eyes -- Kryptonite is naturally beautiful, and I don't quite see that so much in LA these days. Beyond the superficial side, Kryptonite is also smart, loyal to her friends, and has a keen appreciation for the simple things in life. But, as ideal as Kryptonite sounds, something about her just didn't feel right. Whenever I was around her, the voice of reality always told me that it could never work out between us. I can't exactly say why it wouldn't work out, but my intuition just told me that it wouldn't...go figure. But when I wasn't around her, I seemed to forget that voice of reality and would retreat to fantasy land. After all, she did have these qualities going for her, and I couldn't quite nail a "bad" characteristic against her. Kryptonite was my unicorn, and I decided to ask this unicorn out on a date.
Now, by some, my night with Kryptonite would not be considered a date. I do know Kryptonite personally, and we are friends (albeit, we don't see each other too often at all). Additionally, I asked her to "hang out", just like I would any other friend. And when it comes down to it, I am not interested in Kryptonite. But just like Rent-A-Car, I seemed to be enamoured by the idea of her. Was she really just a unicorn, or was my fascination rooted in reality? Was I interested in her, or was I just interested in the idea of her? Fantasy versus reality. Perception versus observation. That's the score I was out to settle. That was the intention of this "date".
I had an extra ticket to a show, so I asked Kryptonite to come watch. She came over to my place, and then she hopped into my car to the theater. The drive was...well...to be honest, I don't quite remember. We weren't quiet the whole time, but I don't remember if we talked about anything substantial. It was kind of like having an extended "small talk" conversation: it would never be silent, small bouts of laughter would ensue, but in the end, it was all empty chatter. In fact, all I do remember is that our conversation timing would always be off. We would always start speaking at the same time, or we'd begin speaking when we thought the other person was done talking -- we had no fluidity in our conversation. Hmmm...strike 1 against my unicorn.
Although we were running a bit late, we caught the show right on time. The show was hilarious! I laughed to the point where I was tearing, and I even laughed at jokes twenty minutes later simply because I thought about it briefly. I was clapping my hands and laughing uncontrollably, and so was the rest of the audience...except for Kryptonite. Did she not think it was funny? Was it not her type of comedy? Was she not having a good time? Was she actually laughing on the inside but wasn't showing it on the outside? Hmmm, that's odd. If I have a hard time sensing someone's happiness, how could we ever be happy together? Hmmm...strike 2 against my unicorn.
After the show, we decided to go out and get some tacos at a nearby restaurant/bar. There was a wait for seats, so we were forced to wait outside. With two strikes against Kryptonite, I was determined to find something substantial underneath that (deceptively) cute exterior. So we talked. To my surprise, we actually had a meaningful conversation. We talked about real things. We talked about random things. We talked about complex things. Even though I've known Kryptonite for years already, it's moments like these that make me wonder just how much we know about each other. The conversation continued inside the restaurant, where we ate with our hands, licked our fingers, talked with our mouths full, and simply enjoyed each others company. This time, she was saved from strike 3. But with the two strikes still remaining, I decided to call it a night and stop pitching.
But the question remains: will Kryptonite ever strike out? In my opinion, everyone's unicorn will never strike out. We don't want the unicorn to strike out, so we stop pitching the ball before he or she could truly fail. That's what makes them a unicorn, and that's what makes them so difficult. There will be many rational signs telling you to give it up, but that faint glimmer of hope is enough to capitalize on our weaknesses, until finally we are captivated by the fantasy-like idea. You can't enjoy the fantasy, because you know it isn't real. You can't dismiss it either, because you are too weak to do so. All that there is left to do is simply acknowledge it and not let the rest of your life succumb to that same weakness.
It could be Kryptonite. It could be someone else. It could even be something else. It really doesn't matter. There are things in my life that I don't want to fail, so I never test it to the point where it can fail. That is my weakness...but that is also what allows me to believe in a dream. Self-delusional? Probably. Necessary? Definitely.
That's the end of track 4. Sorry for the long delay (track 4 was actually mixed two months ago!), but life has been at its busiest. Track 5 has already been mixed and is currently in the editing process. Stay tuned!